Getting Your Needs Met, Directly

Dear Aspirant,

Perhaps you remember the first time you encountered your own indirectness? I do. I was sitting in a pub in London. It had been fun to walk to the pub with my friend and have a beer and snack but it was now super noisy and the fun had faded for me. And the smoke was really getting to me – cigarettes inside, remember those days?

So I asked my friend if they weren’t a bit jet-lagged and overwhelmed. Not at all, they replied, they were still having a great time – they weren’t at all bothered by the noise and were also capable of drinking a lot more beer than I can.

So I sat on for a bit and something unusual happened. The pub might seem a strange place for an Aha, but I was having one. My indirectness left me faced with a dilemma. Suffer or be direct.

It’s not that I’d never stood in front of this issue before – this was the 90s and I’d noticed this much earlier in my life of course. However, I’d more or less continued on as I was. Directness was still fairly sporadic for me. Like you perhaps. But now, in this noisy pub, things seemed to be adding up in a new way.

I saw this habit of indirectness anew. Many instances of it flashed before my eyes – it was a mini life review. I was feeling in me all the whys of it and the consequences. I was understanding how it worked and feeling the energetic drain of getting my needs met by projecting them on others.

You’re likely to agree that I’ve not been alone in this. It’s a part of early human training for many people unfortunately. Sadly, it keeps us from knowing ourselves more fully, except through projection. It doesn’t lead to deep personal intimacy.

I started something new there, in that pub. I told my friend I was going back to the hotel. I didn’t equivocate or explain or ask permission. I didn’t slip out unnoticed and without a word either… an old trick of indirectness. I just said I was ready to leave and I’d be back at the hotel unless I went for a wander first.

My friend enjoyed the social atmosphere quite a bit longer. They probably had more fun without me to tend to. I ended up meeting some lovely locals on a bench in the square. I had a great chat with them, picking up local lore. We were joined by a couple from Tasmania and were soon our own little social experience. This smaller, shorter and less overwhelming experience suited my preferences so much more. I loved it. It wouldn’t have happened if I’d kept mum and suffered through the smoke and noise.

I began from that time to make a greater effort to ask myself to be more direct. Which turned out to be VCool, of course, because more and more of my needs were now possible to satisfy. It’s such a relief to start to get better at this. Sometimes I still lapse though. It’s an old human habit, isn’t it?

I’ve been thinking about this lately because in my time in more Southern states I’ve had a question: is indirectness part of proper southern etiquette? I think directness might be considered… well… not quite right. It seems to make you stand out, in the wrong way.

So I’m musing into this again, thinking about that balance. It’s interesting to contemplate. And a good reminder for us all possibly, since so many of us are deeply trained to defer. It’s a practice – directness can be more of a path or a practice than a destination.

Occasionally I still envy people whose nature, or up-bringing, or astrology – or whatever – has made them very direct – or dare I say – even blunt, heaven forbid. I know that has it’s own challenges but mostly I see it’s advantages and greater freedom. And I aspire, I continue to aspire.

There are times though when bluntness just pops right out of my mouth, unedited. It always raises my own eyebrows. It takes me by surprise. It feels good, empowering. My mind often comes in later to regret it though, nervous and second-guessing… was it too much?

Some of you know what I mean. But I don’t pay that much attention to that anymore. The mind can be a nutter at times and it’s best put in timeout when that happens.

Aging helps, I’m glad to report- it gives more permission. For me anyway I more and more often have a feeling of simply not having time for self-abdication and other such nonsense any more. I’m glad for that. In fact, I’m celebrating that today. Here’s to being more and more directly who we really are. Life can serve us soOoo much better when we follow the Direct signs.

More directly yours,
~ Mayet Leilani